The Unseen Side of Divorce
Many people think that divorce is an easy process that is only a legal document will get done. Being someone who is going through the process, I can tell you that it is not an easy process at all. Especially if you were in a marriage that you thought was a stable, solid marriage and get blindsided by your partner’s leaving. There’s a trauma that takes place to our emotions that damages us for quite some time. It’s that baggage that we hear about that people carry once they are out of a relationship.
For a marriage to dissolve it doesn’t necessarily take both parties to walk away for it to happen. One or the other can walk away and no matter how much you want the marriage to work, it will not work. It is in those moments that you wonder what happened, and why it happened. The person that you professed your eternal love to no longer wants you to be with them, and that is very damaging. It hurts the psyche, the emotions, and because of a relocation by one or both parties, it hurts other aspects of the household and family that are not even factored into a divorce.
If you are lucky, there are no children involved, but that does not diminish what may happen if there are pets. Pets are like our children in a childless household, and when one party leaves and does nothing to find a home for those pets, then it is left to the person who is left to find homes or find a way to keep those pets.
There is also that doubt that creeps into the person who is left behind, blindsided by the sudden change in the relationship. The leaving may have been a planned event, and in most cases is, but that does not help the person who is left behind understand or grasp what went wrong.
Someone may say it was the lack of sex in a relationship. I would argue that if something were to happen that would no longer allow sex to happen in the relationship, would that give the person grounds to leave the marriage? Or would they honor the commitment they said when they said “Better or worse, til death do us part.” This is the commitment of marriage that we are taught in the Bible, from Old Testament to New Testament. However, of you are committed, but your spouse is not, the marriage will not work. No matter what the justification is, if they feel they can leave, they will.
The unseen part of the divorce is the doubt and questioning of the person who felt they were in a committed relationship. What happened? Did I do something wrong to deserve this? What now? Am I destined to spend the rest of my life alone? Why do I suddenly feel like crying, even though today has been a good day? All these things happen, at least they happen to me. I am still questioning why this happened. It is one thing to have both parties discuss it and come to the realization that they are going in different directions, or the trust that was once there is no longer, and it is time to go separate ways. It is entirely something different to come home to an empty house and be totally blindsided. And then receive a text that person is leaving.
Yet the sad truth of today’s age is that we live in a disposable society, where if something isn’t going our way we just toss it out and find something else that will make it go our way. Marriage takes work, commitment, and building of trust that cannot be achieved overnight. For many, when it gets rough, that’s when they walk away. I know that I went through so many things that I could’ve walked away from my spouse on, but stayed the course because of the commitment I took when I said “I Do.”
Yet I also know that God works in very mysterious ways. I know that I was walking a totally different path than my spouse, walking with God and Jesus in a way that perhaps made her jealous. I heard from her more than once that the more involved I got in church, the less she wanted to be, and in fact her actions showed that. The last time we attended mass together, she was angry and showed her displeasure about being at mass. It was as if she had become the rocky soil, after having the seed scattered onto her, she became hard and the seed did not take root.
The hardest part of all this is: Now What? That is what is going through my mind so many times these days. I wonder if I will ever find someone to spend my life with, or if I am destined to be alone. I now live with my mother, which is a blessing as she is a widow, so we are able to keep each other company. But it is not the same. There is a certain aspect of being in a relationship with someone that you enjoy their company, and want to do things together because it means you are spending time together.
I know there is no going back to the relationship that was. That bridge is burned, and all that is left is the ashes of a marriage that once was on solid ground, or so I thought. So the Now What is all I have left to look to.
What does the Now What entail? What am I looking for? What does God want for me that I cannot see? Who will be ‘The One’, if there is anyone to be that? Even now, thinking about this and trying to grasp the fact that while I am not alone, I certainly do have some loneliness in my life that I feel present at times, such as the time of this writing. I know that I am very grateful that I am not alone, and that the situation could be much worse.
I could go on about what I am looking for in a relationship, or what I would like to have for a woman in my life, but I feel that would be wrong of me and not allow God’s grace to happen in my life. Yes, I would love to have a woman who I find sexy, intelligent, committed to God, and someone that I can completely trust. Right now I don’t know if that is possible, but I know that God can turn impossible into I’m Possible. Faith is what I must have to allow all this to happen. Perhaps it is part of His plan that I do have that intelligent, sexy, fun, committed to God woman who finds in me the things that she has been looking for all her life. Maybe I already know that person, but for one reason or another something has never happened. Until then, I will live in the Now What, and hope and pray that I keep my eyes on the relationship that matters most in my life, which is that between me and God and Jesus.